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My thoughts on all the news about sexual misconduct

I hated opening Twitter today and seeing Louis CK trending. That meant he was either dead, or being accused of sexual misconduct. Sure, it could have been anything, but these days, that seems to be the headliner for most celebrity men. I love Louis CK’s comedy. I loved Bill Cosby’s comedy as well. This doesn’t make their comedy less funny. It affects, rather, my ability to enjoy it ever again. In Louis CK’s case, they’re only allegations so far (at the point I write this), but let’s just go ahead and assume he did it for the moment, as it will almost certainly turn out to be the case. I’m sad about it. I’m sad for a lot of reasons. But, that doesn’t matter. It’s a thing now, and he’ll never be the same in the public eye, whether he did anything or not - again, I’m assuming he did. This is such a devastating topic, and it makes me ponder everything I’ve done in my life concerning relationships and dating.

Is it sexual misconduct to hit on a girl? Or, is it only sexual misconduct if she’s not interested in you? I’ve approached women who weren’t interested in me (most guys have, and many many times). I look back now and think “Did she feel sexually harassed by me?” This is the tricky part for most guys on a pick up. Some guys don’t think about that, some do. Women certainly do. Does it go further? Can a guy “get away” with sexual harassment if he’s attractive? I’m not saying it happens, I’m genuinely asking (rhetorically, but still) if it happens? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think there’s a genuine grey zone in the middle. But, outside that grey zone are some very black and white realities.

When we shoot a scene, there’s often up to 30 minutes of dialogue around what we’re going to do, and what her limitations are. You’d think that in porn, there’d be no such thing as sexual misconduct, but there sure as hell is. Not at our level (Test1 Productions) but there’ve been allegations of sexual abuse in big porn over the last few years, but the point is, we still have to obey the rules and respect the model’s “okay zone”.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that confidence is an important part of the dating and hookup game. But, can an overabundance of confidence give way to false entitlement? Money, power, a constant stream of people saying yes to everything you want - those things have to play a part in distorting some men’s minds. You don’t hear of sexual misconduct allegations against Justin Bieber, but I have to believe he’s taken his share of advantages offered him by his fame. Does he not get accused because he’s young and handsome? Or, has he never done it? It’s an interesting, if disturbing, subject.

Fundamental respect for another person is an important part of life for me. If I’m not interested, I just decline. But, I’m a guy. I’m seldom hit on, or pressured for sex. Ultimately, I’m glad men and women are coming forward about abuse. Not sure how I feel about it being so public. The guy down the street gets a reprimand. A celebrity gets reamed in front of the world. Heavy price to pay. Shitty thing to do in the first place, though. My thoughts, for what they’re worth.

November 9, 2017

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